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Dowry &
Marriage
The
dowry process:
When the
man wants to marry the woman,
he first proposes to the woman.
If she agrees, he then
sets a meeting with elders of
his tribe.
Elders are usually members
of the extended family who are
in their 60's and above.
He then sends this delegation
to the girls family.
Before they go, they
send word that they want to
visit on a certain date. Usually, this is done between 1-3 months.
The entourage is usually
a group of 8-15 members.
When the elders go to
the girl's home, they are met
by the girl's family who also
have by this time called their
group of elders.
They usually bring small
gifts of dry foods,
for example
rice, wheat, sugar, tea
,cooking oil, etc.
This is a common practice
when one visits any family,
and so this is not part of the
dowry.
After the food and the
warm welcome, the elders of
the man say something like this.
We have an interest in
one of your "sheep"
or we have noticed one
of your sheep, and we would
like to bring her to our homestead.
Likewise, if a girl
elopes, the elders go
to the boy's home and say something
like this.
" We have lost one
of our sheep, and we heard that
it was seen here….
The negotiations
are not done that day,
so the
elders then say that
they just wanted to come and
visit and they will be back.
After a time is set,
usually in a few weeks, the
elders return.
The negotiations then
start.
The talking is done only
by the elders.
It is taboo for the young
man to speak, and in doing so,
he could seriously jeopardize
the negotiations. The rule of
thumb in negotiating the dowry
used to be:, what ever the father of the bride paid for his mother,
that is what he would request
for a bride price. Things have changed much since then. The bride price now is determined by several factors.
·
How
much education the girl has
received
·
If she has a career
·
Social Class
Young
men today are having a hard
time because There are no rules
and some people have become
very greedy. The dowry is still
negotiated in terms of cows,
goats, and honey.
Once the price has been
determined, it is now converted
into cash.
The elders leave a down
payment and a day is then set
for the wedding.
Dowry negotiations are
usually done over several weeks
or months.
The balance can take
years to pay.
Usually the family never
asks for the balance.
If the man doesn't’t
finish paying the balance, then
if he has a daughter, she cannot
be married unless he finishes
paying the balance.
(This is very embarrassing,
and most people avoid this)
If they never have children,
then the man's family is left
with a "stain" that
they never honor their word
and this becomes common knowledge.
For this reasons, the
bride price "loan"
is always paid up.
When the bride price
is finally paid up, there is
a ceremony done.
This in the olden days
signified a marriage .
The family of the bride
usually kill a goat and they
give the front legs to the husband.
This signified that he
was now the husband of the woman
and that he , and not her father
bears the full responsibility
for her.
This practice is still
done even today.
The Marriage Ceremony
The
whole community usually gets
involved.
The women team up and
organize the menu, and they
contribute the food. The young men and women team up and raise funds for the wedding.
This is done through
a "pre wedding party"
There is usually no engagement
rings or "official"
engagement ceremony.
The young men arrange
for transportation and refreshments.
The man is usually responsible
for the bride's dress, and the
younger children who will be
in the wedding party.
The bride chooses her
bride's maids and she usually
chooses from both sides and
includes her friends.
Kikuyu weddings are usually
huge.
It is not uncommon to
find the bridal
party of 20+.
Eve
before the wedding:
The
night before the wedding, The
young man brings people from
his village to visit his future
in laws.
They usually come not
just to visit, but to help with
the wedding, usually cooking,
etc.
they usually arrive around
dusk, and they come in a "train"
of cars.
As they get close to
the house, they all start hooting
their cars and they don’t stop
until they are allowed in the
bride's homestead.
When the hooting starts,
the village women from the bride
rush to the gate and block it.
The negotiations then
begin.
This time, it is done
in form of music and song.
The women sing that they
"didn't hear" the
young men come, why do they
want to "steal " their
daughter away?
They are requested to
go back and return in the right
way. The groom and his team drive back (about 1/2 mile) and they
return .
The women then ask for
blankets, sugar, tea, soda pop
and other small items. The idea behind is: Our
"daughter"
used to
cook tea for us, we don’t
know who can replace her.
All this is done through
song and dance, and the young
man usually brings a woman who
would be the main negotiators
in the song
saga.
This can go on for about
an hour.
The young man is then
let in .
The items that are requested
are then shared out among the
villagers.
The women then join in
the festivities and the all
night cooking.
The day of the wedding
The
Wedding is an all day (and night
) affair. The day starts when
the groom and his "train
" of cars go to the girl's
home to pick her up.
They then go to a church
and after the ceremony , they
go to the field
or hall where the reception
will be held.
Since the whole community
get involved it is not uncommon
to have 5000(yes- five thousand)
guests.
The more a family is
known, the more people attend
the wedding. After church (which
lasts about 2 hours) they
go for a photo shoot.
They go to the reception
after that where the whole community
is fed.
The food
is served by the girls
on the bride's side.
The people in the community
then bring gifts to the couple.
The father's bride buys
the bed.
The rest of the furniture
is given as gifts by friends,
and the community in general.
By the end of the day,
the couple usually has their
whole house furnished and they
usually don’t need to buy anything.
The reception lasts for
a few hours and is filled with
speeches and "advice "
on how to relate to each other
and the community.
The young man is given
advice on responsibility, while
the young bride is advised on
"feeding her husband"
and given "tools "
( with demonstration).
Things like a
weeding hoe, a basket,
among other items are officially
presented to the bride.
After this very long reception, the couple take a break and
prepare for the evening party.
This is usually held
under great secrecy so as to
limit the number who will attend.
It is usually held in
a hotel far from the village.
The truth is , somehow,
everyone finds out.
Beer is served and the
young man pays for it all.
The couple show up around
10pm or 11pm.
They would open the evening
party with a dance and then
the exhausted couple exit.
They don’t go for a
"honey" moon,
they just go to their new home.
The party goes on till
4-6am the next day.
People
usually don’t cerebrate anniversaries.
The unfortunate thing
is that, the man almost never
takes his new wife on dates
anymore.
The young wife is often
left at home while the man stays
out with his "buddies". This creates a
lot of tension in the marriage.
When
Women married Women
In
the olden times, older women
used to marry younger women.
These women were either young
widows or old spinsters.
This was done as a way to care
for this groups of people.
The older woman would take care
of the young "wife"
( she was called a wife).
If she had children, the kids
last names would be changed
to hers. If she
didn't have children, the
"husband" would chose
a man for her to have children
for her. The young wife
would then bear children for
her. When the young woman's
children would reach the age
of marriage, the dowry would
be paid to the older woman,
and if there were sons involved,
she would pay the dowry.
If the young wife disobeyed
or disrespected her, she would
discipline her. Discipline
was done in the form of beatings.
The young wife would not fight
back, but would have to take
the beatings. The only
obligation the young wife had
to her partner was to cook for
her, perform any house hold
duties and tend the farm.
There was no sexual relationship
whatsoever. In the Kikuyu
tribe, homosexuality (then and
now) was not done, let alone
imagined. In this type
of a marriage, the dowry was
also paid. If the older
woman died, the young wife would
then inherit her property.
This was the only time that
a woman would inherit property
during those times. This
practice of women marrying women
died out in the early 1920's
.
Conflict in
marriage, divorce and
re marriage
The girl
may go back to her parents in
case of conflict.
The husband must send
elders on his behalf t o go
and talk with the girls parents.
If
he wishes her back.
If
as separation is inevitable,
the children always go with
the mother and are brought up
by the girls parents. In
this case the boys parents pay
compensation in term of cows
and goats as
determined by the elders
of the girls clan.
Divorce
is very rare with the Kikuyu's
in spite of all the problems
that women endure.
Re marriage is even more
rare even after the death of
one spouse. In the olden days, any woman who was "returned" (
a term for divorce
in the olden days ) lived
with the "stench"
of being a divorced woman.
Because of this, women
endured even in a bad marriage.
Now things are starting
to change.
The name calling has
not ceased, but a lot
of women are rebelling
and separating from their husbands.
The main problem is that
most men have mistresses and
even though they don’t divorce
their wives, they divorce them
emotionally and financially.
Some men barely support their wives and the women are left with the task of
raising up the children and
supporting them.
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